MUM TEST

I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth.
I took the item away from her and I asked her not to do that.
"Why?" my daughter asked.
"Because it's been on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has germs," I replied.
At this point, my daughter looked at me with total admiration and asked, "Mum, how do you know all this stuff, you are so smart."
I was thinking quickly.
"All mums know this stuff. It's on the Mum Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mum."
We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information.
"OH...I get it!" she beamed, "So if you don't pass the test you have to be the dad."
''Exactly," I replied back with a big smile on my face.

Belated Happy Mother's Day

BBQ RULES

We are about to enter the summer and BBQ season. Therefore it is important to refresh your memory on the etiquette of this sublime outdoor cooking activity, as it's the only type of cooking a 'real' man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved.

When a man volunteers to do the BBQ the following chain of events are put into motion:

Routine...
(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.

Here comes the important part:
(4) THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL.

More routine....
(5) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(6) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with the situation.

Important again:
(7) THE MAN TAKES THE MEAT OFF THE GRILL AND HANDS IT TO THE WOMAN.

More routine....
(8) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.
(9) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(10) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
(11) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed 'her night off.' And, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women....

From the American Ecclesiastical Review.

THE RECTORY DOG

Question: Do you think a pastor should keep a dog in the rectory?

Answer: Neither the divine law nor the general law of the Church forbids a priest to keep a dog. Indeed, such a practice has much in its favor, especially if the pastor is the only priest in the rectory. A devoted dog provides companionship, and sometimes protection. He can be the occasion of developing in the priest the admirable trait of kindness to animals (after the example of St. Francis of Assisi) and also of providing his master with healthy exercise when he takes his canine friend for a walk.

However, there are times when the rectory dog proves to be a nuisance and an abuse. Such is the situation when the pastor treats him with more concern and affection than he manifests toward the parishioners and curate. The conduct of the dog toward visiting priests should also be a matter of concern to the pastor. The dog who chases the visitor around the house, or paces back and forth before his door, exhibiting the usual symptoms of rabies, is not man’s best friend, as far as the visitor is concerned, even though the pastor assures him: “He won’t bite you.” Hardly less objectionable is the friendly dog who is admitted to the dining room, where he begs for food with drooling mouth or puts his paw playfully into the soup.

FRANCIS J. CONNELL, C.SS.R.

A Capuchin dies and goes to heaven, humbly knocks on the door, and is let in without any fanfare. One day, a long time later, he notices lots of commotion. Flowers are arranged, all the candles are lit, and a red carpet is rolled out. He asks an angel what's going on, and is told that they are preparing to welcome a Jesuit into heaven. Perplexed, he asks St. Peter, "I always thought there would be justice and equality in heaven, with no one receiving preferential treatment. Why are you going to such great lengths to welcome a Jesuit, whereas you hardly took any notice of me when I arrived?" St. Peter tells him in reply, "Don't you see? Another Capuchin enters heaven almost every week, but you can't imagine how long it's been since we welcomed the last Jesuit up here!"

The Green Thing

Checking out at the store, the young
cashier suggested to the older woman, that she should bring
her own grocery bags because plastic bags weren't good for
the environment.

The woman apologized and explained, "We
didn't have this green thing back in my earlier days."

The clerk responded, "That's our problem
today. Your generation did not care enough to save our
environment for future generations."

She was right -- our generation didn't
have the green thing in its day.

Back then, we returned milk bottles, soda
bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them
back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled,
so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they
really were recycled. But we didn't have the green thing
back in our day.

We walked up stairs, because we didn't
have an escalator in every store and office building. We
walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a
300-horsepower machine every time we had to go two blocks.
But she was right. We didn't have the green thing in our
day.

Back then, we washed the baby's diapers
because we didn't have the throw-away kind. We dried clothes
on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220
volts -- wind and solar power really did dry our clothes
back in our early days. Kids got hand-me-down clothes from
their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that young lady is right; we didn't have the green thing
back in our day.

Back then, we had one TV, or radio, in the
house -- not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small
screen the size of a handkerchief (remember them?), not a
screen the size of the state of Montana . In the kitchen, we
blended and stirred by hand because we didn't have electric
machines to do everything for us. When we packaged a fragile
item to send in the mail, we used wadded up old newspapers
to cushion it, not Styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap. Back
then, we didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to
cut the lawn. We used a push mower that ran on human power.
We exercised by working so we didn't need to go to a health
club to run on treadmills that operate on electricity. But
she's right; we didn't have the green thing back then.

We drank from a fountain when we were
thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every
time we had a drink of water. We refilled writing pens with
ink instead of buying a new pen, and we replaced the razor
blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor
just because the blade got dull. But we didn't have the
green thing back then.

Back then, people took the streetcar or a
bus and kids rode their bikes to school or walked instead of
turning their moms into a 24-hour taxi service. We had one
electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets
to power a dozen appliances. And we didn't need a
computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from
satellites 2,000 miles out in space in order to find the
nearest pizza joint.

But isn't it sad the current generation
laments how wasteful we old folks were just because we
didn't have the green thing back then?

Remember: Don't make old People mad.

.

Ahahaha, that whole green thingy was nice! Thanks, yes very true. For most part's of the world this is still true since they dont have much of the comforts of modern life.

Again don't make old people mad !!!

http://funstufftosee.com/brocolli.html

Hello everyone! This is my first post and I hope a good joke is a good way to start.


A tramp knocks on the door of an inn known as St. George and the Dragon. The landlady answers. “Could you give a poor man something to eat?” asks the tramp.

“No!” yells the woman, slamming the door in his face. A few minutes later, he knocks again. “Now what do you want?” the woman asks.

“Could I have a few words with George?”

Welcome Raphael.

I always love a good St. George and the dragon joke!

This reminded me of something I heard when a little boy, Stan Freberg "St. George and the Dragon Net".

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2bm6eYuaN-0

Oh, that is so funny! I've had a look on Youtube and found another good one. Slightly off topic from the St. George and the Dragon theme, but there is a Joe and Frank mentioned. Will that do?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FrtgjfXj0io

Love the "Yeah, I just played a hunch. "

Stan Freberg was about the funniest American I've ever come across. His humour, simple as it was, reminds me of English humour, playing on words etc., like the Goon Show.

The other thing he was brilliant at was impersonations. Impersonations these days are so very common. Everybody does them. They're found all over the Web. Rank amateurs who play games on Web forums, and imagine that they are less than obvious. The humour in their case is unintentional, but it still gives plenty of laughs...

Unfortunately for us, Freberg took off people who were well-known at the time to US TV audiences, but most of us have no idea what the originals were like, so the genius of his efforts is lost.

But old St. George as a New York cop, chasing a dragon for taking maidens out of season, is timeless.

I am not a Pepsi fan and I am not on their payroll but I did enjoy this ad a friend sent.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... DnKOc6FISU

Humourous political correctness in 1957!

Elderly Man River by Stan Freberg and Daws Butler

An ad in our local "trading post":

"Nicorette Gum
have a pack here has an expired date nothing worng with it......im giving it away free, so please dont ask me any questions..."

Any takers? Let me know.

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading a tired old mule.

The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat.
He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail.
As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger
stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other.
The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, can you dance?"
The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No son, I don't dance... never really wanted to."
A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now!" and started shooting at the old man's feet.
The prospector started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet.
Everybody was laughing.
When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon.
The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barrelled 12 gauge shotgun and cocked both hammers.
The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately.
The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly.
The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said;
"Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?"
The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir... but...but I've always wanted to."

A friend put me on to these comedians. Apart from a couple of funny videos, including this very funny one, they cannot be recommended.

This one is on a politically incorrect "pet hospital."