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New post QuidRRRbit
The following unsolicited contribution landed in my Inbox today. I confess, I found it hilarious, and thought it worth sharing. We could all do with a little lightening up sometimes. :D


QuidRRRbit [Onomatopoeic, Bullfr, verb] Listen; I have something to say; attention. Especially, used when wishing to be taken very seriously.

25 years on and the Essex Pixies

Five years ago there was talk of Little Pigs, straw houses being blown down and brick houses left standing. Nine of them. This year there was talk of free champagne at one of the brick houses. Between these two events there has been increasing talk of avoiding a great and serious danger - The Essex Pixies.

Apparently the danger is imminent and growing daily. Practically every time you pick up an Essjee-jee bulletin or listen to a sermon these days you are bound to hear something of this latest threat. I don’t ever intend to visit Essex, and I don’t know if the Pixies ever intend to do a world tour, taking in Cincinnati along the way, however for some reason it is very important that Catholics, particularly Essvees, are warned against them regularly. I don’t have anything particular against pixies myself, however, I profess that I am not a firm believer in them. It is rumored that we have a trollesque type hanging around these parts but that’s about as close I’ve come to one. I recall a well-known Essvee film-maker made a movie some years ago about pixies (from England also) running rampant all over some children’s back gardens. It was supposed to be a true story so maybe this warning is directed against wayward Catholics such as him and those that he got to.

These Essex Pixies are apparently to blame for leading many souls into error, for promoting false doctrines, for being in union with the One World Church, for illegitimate practices (liturgical dances perhaps?) and ultimately pskism. I guess that is the opposite of svism. Have you ever heard the likes of such pixies? It must be something in the air in the county of Essex. Maybe they are also to blame for global warming and the increasing price of fuel and groceries?

One thing my children have picked up is that we are being warned of the danger of grave scandal for worshipping in common with these Essex Pixies and that if we do we run the risk of being ex-Essjee-jee-ated. That we will be labeled public zinnias. The fixation on this subject has me quite bewildered and it has frightened the wits out of my children. They are panicked by the thought of watching Peter Pan and they suspect Tinkerbell is a plant who will lead them to this pskism and out of the Catholic Church. My greatest sorrow however is that our household is now Leprechaun-free on St. Patrick’s Day. I miss those little green decorative men.

I am told that the real trouble is that these Essex Pixies have not stayed put in their county but have been busy spreading their wings out far and wide. Many years ago they made their headquarters in a cone somewhere in Switzerland and have been assiduously conquering the world ever since. That they are a growing organization and the largest of their kind. Many Essvee priests got their orders in this cone, so they would know all about it. Even though they were once Essex Pixies themselves they managed to retain their orthodoxy and never got tainted with pskism. We don’t know when or how this pskism started, or why our clergy were never part of it, we just know that our clergy are safe from it.

The question has been asked, “Why can’t we just get along with the Essex Pixies?” There has been a whole sermon devoted to this very subject. The answer we are given is that we are to study, study, study harder. I would if I could but I’m not sure what books would help. I can only think of The Elves and the Shoemaker but it’s been put into storage. Besides my children might catch me with it and have nightmares.

Then to complicate matters even further we have also been warned for years against the Essex Peeviers. I don’t even know what a Peevier is! So how can I possibly avoid one? How do I know whether I will run into one at a local restaurant or bar or whether my regular barber is one? Or whether even my favorite baseball player is one? I don’t want to know.

It seems that these Essex Peeviers have a history in common with our clergy. They too were once Essex Pixies. Then they broke away from them (whether pskism was involved I don’t know) and formed a new group called the Essex Peeviers. These Peeviers apparently also promote false doctrine and they lead the way in ex-Essex-Peevie-ating people. They were once obsessed with the dental state of a bishop but the Essgee-gee-ers have admirably cleared that up, possibly by extraction. These Essex Peeviers are not as big as the Essex Pixies, and their danger is geographically limited. Their headquarters are not in a cone but in a cove.

We are all living in perpetual fear of more pixilated things to come out of Essex; we don’t know how long this obsession with Essex Pixies and Essex Peeviers is going to last, but I sure hope it passes soon so that my children can once again frolic freely and fearlessly in the bottom of our garden and I can watch the next Reds game with a clear conscience.

Mon Jul 14, 2008 11:29 am
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Joined: Fri Apr 27, 2007 9:13 am
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New post Re: QuidRRRbit

Mon Jul 14, 2008 12:22 pm
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